Breaking free from old patterns..how easy or how difficult is it? I am discovering for myself.
Basis this realisation that I have been living a regimented life so far. Its not just about me. I am just a prototype; there are millions out there who share a similar background. At least in the Indian urban context. From the time I gained some semblance of self (ego or awareness), it was school and life revolved around the school. Almost 14 years of a very strict, time driven disciplined life.Then came college and professional education. This period was not as regimental, but being the studious kind of a person, I dint really hang around in the canteens or movie theaters....so again there was discipline and routine for me at least.
Education over, came professional or work life. Again time bound. Almost as strict and disciplined in terms of time and effort as school/College was. The School teachers were replaced by strict superiors and bosses.
School put one kind of pressure on the mind...to do well.. to score well... to perform in extra -curricular etc etc...Parents and teachers had set % targets (across all the standards right from 1st onwards...). Reprimand from teachers....
Work life has been similar pressures.... to do well.....performance...reprimand from bosses....
Now my mind is completely conditioned to this routine, pressure and discipline (forced one).
But for how long can we take this without cracking? Result burn out. Exhaustion, boredom, disinterest, lack of focus, urge to get away from it all. What is the way out?
The solution lies in getting out of this pattern. But not easy. Requires one to take some harsh and risky decisions. But then I have realized that to grow and discover a higher self, it is important to take this risk. To get out of this conditioned existence and break free. I was delaying it. But yes, there has been an acceptance that this patterns has to change.
Now I am working towards a plan to free myself of this conditioning; get out of this highly time bound and disciplined life!! To find a more meaningful and creative purpose.
Has not been easy....It is very difficult to unlearn so many years of such rigid existence.
The pressure to perform has become so much a part of me..that now that its not there, I feel this terrible lightness in my head....:)
I am trying to break out of this pattern. So many small small habits....keep looking at the watch; keep looking at the phone as if it will come to life suddenly; keep checking mails....
It is not easy to break free from such old conditioning. But yes, I am trying!
